Leading up to the holiday, I explained this plan to many people as road trips and train rides home came up in conversation. Most responses fit into one of the following two categories: (1) an invitation to spend Thanksgiving with that person and his/her family or (2) a declaration that Thanksgiving alone is sad (this was often accompanied with a sad face).
While the second response seemed like a distinct possibility, I knew being with someone else's family would only make me feel that I should have made more of an effort to be with my own family. So eventually I decided that spending Thanksgiving alone and cooking my own version of Thanksgiving just for myself would be liberating in some way, and I actually got excited about it. I went to the grocery store Wednesday night to gather supplies, and I spent more money on groceries than I ever have before (though this was at least partially due to splurges like flowers and Jack Daniels).
Wednesday night I also cleaned my apartment and made a Thanksgiving playlist which I then edited in the light of day Thursday morning while I ate my cereal and drank my coffee.
I also made three pomanders. They smell really nice.
I called home to talk to Mom and Dad before the real cooking got underway there, and I will say that this is the only part of the day during which I felt lonely. I chatted with Mom for a while in the same way that I would have done at home except that I wasn't at home. We weren't sharing coffee in pajamas in the forgiving morning light of the living room. Lately talks with my mom have often turned to the loss of loved ones as some of her friends have recently lost their husbands and as her brother's health is deteriorating. We talked about how hard the holidays are the first year after you lose someone close to you and that was when I thought I should be home, spending every holiday I could with my family. But then, in keeping with our usual ways, we talked about how special it was that Matthew and Sarah were spending their first Thanksgiving together as a married couple and about all the people who were spending their first Thanksgivings with a new baby. I felt really thankful for my mom just then, more so even than usual. I really wished I could have been home to hug her at that moment and nestle my feet under her butt on the couch for warmth. She also reminded me that it was a holiday, so I should use as much butter as I wanted when cooking. Solid advice, Mom.
After we said our goodbyes and wished each other a happy Thanksgiving, I showered myself and made some muffins. Had I been home, Mom would have slapped my hand when I went to grab one as a treat right out of the oven, but I was alone so I could enjoy a warm muffin without reproof. I spent the next hour or so singing and dancing around the kitchen while cooking the essential parts of Thanksgiving: green beans, mashed potatoes, squash/zucchini, and cornbread pudding. These are all easy things to make, but I'm not very talented or confident in the kitchen so, when they all turned out successfully, I was really pleased. I set my table. I put the food in serving dishes. I poured myself a glass of home-brewed peach iced tea. This was a legit Thanksgiving, the only difference was that I was the only one at the table. Bob Dylan and Cat Stevens and Yo La Tengo sang to me while I had a helping of everything as well as a second helping of cornbread pudding.
I watched Clash of the Titans after dinner but before I did the dishes. Laura joined me later for some hot toddies and muffins. I closed out the night with Freedom and went to sleep before midnight, like the old woman I am.
I don't think I'll ever skip a family Thanksgiving again if I can help it, but I am glad to have had this experience this year. I often worry I am not self-sufficient enough or not content enough with myself, but days like yesterday in some ways affirm that I'm doing okay. I made a beautiful day in my own house, and I made it special just for me. There's something very satisfying about that.
I also had a lot of time yesterday to reflect on how thankful I am for all my family and friends. I know so many wonderful, beautiful, talented, warm, caring people. It really amazes me when I think about it. I am a very lucky person.
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